The Anarchist's Jokebook

by Devo Spice

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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Get three hours of bonus content including a bonus album, Appendix A, and two bonus commentary albums, Appendix B and Appendix C. These are separate downloads. The links are in the liner notes, included as a PDF in this download.
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  • Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    Comes with a 6-panel insert and Appendix A on the data portion of the CD. Download links for Appendix B and Appendix C can be found in the liner notes.

    Includes unlimited streaming of The Anarchist's Jokebook via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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  • USB Flash Drive + Digital Album

    This convenient credit-card-size USB drive contains the album and all the bonus material as high quality MP3s so you won't have to download anything separately.

    Includes unlimited streaming of The Anarchist's Jokebook via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 5 Devo Spice releases available on Bandcamp and save 30%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of The Anarchist's Jokebook, Herp Derp Ya Don't Sterp, I Am The Doctor, Rhythms from the Crypt - The Best of Sudden Death, and Gnome Sane?. , and , .

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about

Devo Spice proudly presents his latest collection of hip hop absurdity. The Anarchist's Jokebook features an hour of the funniest and funkiest rap songs Devo Spice has ever produced.

This release features 16 tracks of hilarious hip hop including the Logan-Award-winning "Just for You" and the B.o.B parody "Nothin' but Truth" which made Dr. Demento's Funny 25 countdown in 2016.

For the Doctor Who fans this album features a brand new song focussed on Peter Capaldi's tenure as the legendary Time Lord titled "The Promised Land." And for the Spider-Man fans this album features an epic group jam about Into the Spider Verse called "Spider Verses" which features Creative Mind Frame (aka 1-UP), Insane Ian, Bonnie Gordon, TV's Kyle, LEX the Lexicon Artist, and the great Luke Ski each taking a verse as a character from the award winning animated feature.

This album also features three Stupid Rap Battles with guest appearances by Insane Ian, Starf, and the great Luke Ski, respectively, a 1983-sounding rap about the Netflix show "Stranger Things," and, of course, the fan favorite "Dinky McDiddlyboots." In all there are 16 tracks, including five parodies, clocking in at just over an hour of great music.

In addition to the main album you also get an entire bonus album titled Appendix A which features 18 additional tracks; that's another hour of music. Appendix A includes things like "The Ditch Diggers Theme" from Mur Lafferty and Matt Wallace's Hugo-winning podcast, "What's Really in my Hot Dog," Devo's answer to Steve Goodie's song, and "The Laundromat of Sin," Devo's cover of the Worm Quartet classic.

It also features songs by other artists which feature Devo Spice as a vocalist including "We Want The FuMP" by The FuMP and "Ghostbusters" by Insane Ian. Plus Luke Ski's cover of the old Sudden Death song "Brain Dead," Devo's live appearance on 2d6's "Heh, That's Actually Hilarious" at FuMPFest 2016, and "Doctor of Gallifrey," a Doctor Who parody that Devo wrote for Marc Gunn.

And there's even more! In addition to Appendix A, you also receive download links for Appendix B and C which feature artist's commentary by Devo Spice about each song on The Anarchist's Notebook and Appendix A, respectively. That's another two hours of content.

The music is funky, the lyrics are funny, and the vocals are mumble-free! The Anarchist's Jokebook by Devo Spice is available on CD, as a digital download, or on a USB card. The CD includes Appendix A on the data portion of the CD, plus a download link in the liner notes for Appendix A, B, and C. The digital download includes The Anarchist's Jokebook only with download links in the liner notes for Appendix A, B, and C. The USB card includes The Anarchist's Jokebook, Appendix A, B, and C on the card.

credits

released March 1, 2019

All songs written by Devo Spice, except track 11 written by Devo Spice, Creative Mind Frame (aka 1-UP), Insane Ian, TV's Kyle, LEX the Lexicon Artist, and the great Luke Ski.

Music by Devo Spice, with help from Chris Mezzolesta and Bonecage.

Mixed and mastered by Devo Spice.

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about

Devo Spice Hardyston, New Jersey

Devo Spice is a nerdcore and comedy rapper from New Jersey who has been called "the red-headed stepson of Weird Al Yankovic and Eminem." His demented brand of hip hop made him one of the most popular artists on the nationally syndicated Dr. Demento Show. In 2011 Devo Spice released the album "Gnome Sane?" and it went to number #28 on the Hip Hop charts on iTunes. ... more

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Track Name: Banner
Intro
Banner
Banner, Banner, Banner
Banner, Banner

Verse 1
CDC's in Atlanta
Run the tests that they planned to
Wussy man, Bruce Banner
Caught in the mix and kablammo
Overdose, gammas
Transform into a new man now
Clothing ripped off of manhood
Except for purple pajamas
Hulk smash! Anger!
Better run, danger!
Muscles swole, stammer
Green skin, glammer
Hulk is strongest on planet
Hulk show you where to cram it
No limit how strong I can be
Hope puny man understand me

Banner
Banner, Banner, Banner
Banner, Banner

Verse 2
I get large when I'm angered
Bulging all green with it, like a Lantern
Banner pale, Hulk tanner
Plus have much better bedside manner
Whole bunch of evil guys, they be askin'
For Hulk to just pulverize, Absorbing
Man just a giant leech, Red Hulk
Look like ginger put on a beach, he gonna screech
Gargoyle, smash him
Red King, trash him
Toss a tank, like a hammer
Not my problem don't care where it landed
Loki showed up with Chitauri commandos
Smash the big ship and their alien Rambos
Thrashing the puny god, trashing his army
Sit down and partake in eating of schwarma
And go back for seconds, we just sit
And eat there in the wreckage, after battle
We all were quite peckish, no you wouldn't
Like me when I'm angry, but Natasha somehow
Can still calm me down, "Hey big guy"
Can be such a relaxing sound, but if Loki
Or Thor got up in my space they would end up with their
Body parts every place and a much flatter face
Thrash it, see a house and I trash it
I take cars and I crash it, see how I
Mash it, crush it all and then slash it
Your mouth just wrote you a big check and I dare you
To cash it, see your face and I bash it
Gamma rays make me unbeatable, smile I
Flash it, don't just stare at me blankly
I'm big and I'm green and I'm angry, I'm Hulk and
I smash it!

Banner
Banner, Banner, Banner
Banner, Banner

Stan Lee: You can't be the Hulk! I'm the Hulk!

Verse 3
I got friends in Avengers
We are earth's foremost defenders
But now Hulk got his own planet
Doing well, me not stranded
Hulk fight, champion
Thor winning, not happening
Hulk sit around in pajamas
Watching Hannah Montana
Huge TV, plasma
Big drink, Shasta
Play music, banjo
No underwear, commando
In college Hulk was a lambda
At Christmas Hulk'll play Santa
Hulk is not mean, that slander
Now only Hulk, no more Banner!

Banner
Banner, Banner, Banner
Banner, Banner

Engineer: OK, we got it. Hey, I gotta run. I'll meet you back here tomorrow and we'll finish things up, OK?
Devo: Sure, no problem. See you then.
(door close, walking)
Hey, where's my ride. Dude didn't show up? Ugh, guess I'll have to hitchhike.

(The Lonely Man Theme)
Track Name: Dinky McDiddlyboots
I'm a Hip Hop maven, with rhymes that I'm cravin'
Beard with the lines that I'm shavin'
Weird, but at times I'm amazin', not to be
Feared, but sometimes I think I'm kinda crazy
Lazy, sit around the house eatin' popcorn
Mouse button clickin' on a picture full of hot porn
Pickin' up laundry, fold what is not torn
Find a pair of underwear there that I've not worn
Got a name that the rap game gave me
Crowds shout it loud while they clap and are raving
Proud of the rowdiness happening daily
Cloud-nine rhymes 'cause I'm frakkin' amazing
Till one day when a strange man changed it
Willed his way and his brain now reigns it
Chains my name to this wack identity
While he's out back playing Pac-Man and Centipede

My name is Dinky McDiddlyboots
My music is plinky and Ritalin-fused
Ned Flanders thinks in "diddly-doos"
But I'm MC Dinky McDiddlyboots
My name is Dinky McDiddlyboots
My music is plinky and Ritalin-fused
Pac-Man eats Inky and Blinky and fruits
But I'm MC Dinky McDiddlyboots

Now I gotta make changes to everything
Every song's wrong so the files will never ping
Miles of lyrics to compile with a clever string
While I clear it with Google and even Bing
And because of this stupid jerk I have to
Update all my paperwork, great, now I'm late for work
Name on my licenses changed to reflect it
Drivers, marriage, and bikini inspector's
My whole life's turned upside-down
I obliged this clown and my wife skipped town
And I found at work they would leave me out of meetings
But call me all day to play voicemail greetings
This may be his crowning achievement
I'm drowning in spite but I try to be lenient
I've seen it, this may sound trite but I mean it
This really is quite inconvenient

My name is Dinky McDiddlyboots
My music is plinky and Ritalin-fused
Ned Flanders thinks in "diddly-doos"
But I'm MC Dinky McDiddlyboots
My name is Dinky McDiddlyboots
My music is plinky and Ritalin-fused
Shoebox is a big mean stinkety poop
Now I'm MC Dinky McDiddlyboots
Track Name: The Promised Land
Verse 1
Hey Doctor, what did you do to your face?
I don't mean to be rude to your race, but it seems
Like your eyebrows have picked up the pace, and they've taken
On a life of their own, like that sleep dust from space
What are you trying to say, to yourself?
Are you tired of lying awake? 'Cause you help
Like you've been hired to save the day, or did you just
Get punched one too many times in the face, now you're stuck that way
What seems to be your new mission, and why
Are you dressed like a crappy magician, there's a thing
Under your bed if you just stop and listen, and you bring
A chalkboard to figure nuclear fission, a magician
Played guitar in a medieval castle, and dude
They were hardly difficult to dazzle, that was shrewd
Because dying can be such a hassle, over four and a half
Billion years you watched the puzzle unravel

Chorus
Take me away to the Promised Land
With that weird liquid I don't understand
Oh hey turns out it's a Cyberman
But I'm sure you have a plan

Take me away to the Promised Land
Where the people are so pale that I look tanned
Though I know your last trip didn't go as planned
That would still be just as grand

Verse 2
I want to fly through the darkness of space, and maybe
Touch down on an alien base, just take me
To the universe's happiest place, and see all the
Characters in the biggest ever database
I want to ride on a runaway train, or we can
Shrink down and enter somebody's brain, you could
Get us a ticket for the fast lane, I want to have
Breakfast in China, and dinner in Spain
So many adventures ahead, I wanna meet
The characters with oversized heads, or see
A haunted manor and then talk to the dead, or we could go
Listen to what the past presidents said
Where 2D creations come alive and there's
Futuristic cars you can make and test drive
And humanoid androids trying to survive, and I even heard
Robin Hood is making an appearance at five
(chorus)

Doctor: "Go to hell. Or Heaven. Or wherever people go when they die. If there is a place."
Devo: "Die?! No, I wanted to go to Disney World. You know, in Florida? Space Mountain, Haunted Mansion, Hall of Presidents... Walt Disney World."
Doctor: Oh, the human race. You're never happy, are you?"

Verse 3
So Missy will talk off your ears, weren't you supposed to
Guard her for a thousand years? Well that
Goes out the window once you've had a few beers, you just
Left her to die on a ship, killed by one of her peers
And explain this whole moon thing again, it's been
An egg since god only knows when, I get that
Moons hatching is a dangerous trend, but how does
A creature lay an egg bigger than its rear end?
And forests that appear overnight, trying to
Protect us from the sun burning bright, massive
Solar flares that will light up the night, but all that
Extra oxygen would make the earth explode, am I right?
I can learn the TARDIS interface, but should I
Be concerned about your companion's fates? I mean because
You're 0 for 2 for keeping them safe, Clara met the
Raven, and Bill's a water demon in space

Spoken: So maybe I should think about this for a minute. Oh, what the hell?
(chorus)
Track Name: Nothin' but Truth
[chorus 1]
Beautiful girls, all over the world
Are really from space here, they’re an alien race here
This is nothin’ but truth, baby
Nothin’ but truth, baby

[verse 1]
I know this may be a big surprise
Regardless of the truth that is right before your eyes
But alien reptiles run the left wing
And the government’s covered up every damn thing
And you may laugh at my tin foil hat
But I can prove to you that the earth is flat
Just take a good look at the moon, man
And you’ll see that it’s really nothing but a hologram
There’s so much nonsense in all these concepts
That people just accept as fact,
Like the existence of kale, daily mail
Can’t you see this is all an act?
To prepare us for the pending alien attack
By conditioning us to serve ‘em Big Macs
And constantly eat a ton of salty snacks
(The aliens like their food salty)

[chorus 2]
Robotic squirrels, reptilian girls
Were already placed here right in front of your face here
This is nothin’ but truth, baby
Nothin’ but truth, baby
They have been here, for thousands of years
But hey now don’t sweat it, just keep spending on credit
This is nothin’ but truth, baby
Nothin’ but truth, baby

[verse 2]
I’m astounded that folks don’t uncover stuff
I’ve been around and I’ve seen all the cover-ups
I mean it’s not like the government hides it well
Obama’s a lizard, you can clearly tell
Now they’re breaking down border, killing reporters
Tracking everybody with the chips in their quarters
You are just a pawn in their New World Order
Stop! Now think about it
They’re spraying London, spraying Paris
Spraying chemtrails everywhere
They spray every country except Norway
Because Norway was never there
And for that matter neither is Delaware
Oh don’t act like you weren’t aware
When’s the last time you met someone from Delaware
See? See?! Huh?!

[chorus 3]
All those food stamps, that we all pay for
Are laced with some drugs to sterilize all the poor
This is nothin’ but truth, baby
Nothin’ but truth, baby
Poisonous snow, that just wouldn’t melt
Was dumped over Georgia and the whole Bible Belt
This is nothin’ but truth, baby
Nothin’ but truth, baby

[verse 3]
Everywhere I go, I encounter something new
And I only say this, to enlighten all of you
So let me show you the truth, as I host my own panel
On my brand new show, on the History Channel!

[chorus 4]
Beautiful girls, all over the world
Are robots they gave us that are here to enslave us
This is nothin’ but truth, baby
Nothin’ but truth, baby
Elvis is alive, and so’s JFK
And they’re fighting mummies in their rest home today
This is nothin’ but truth, baby
Nothin’ but truth, baby

[announcer]
Coming up on Nothin’ But Truth, the Gates of Hell open beneath Denver International Airport. We’ll tell you where to go and what restaurants to avoid during your layover. And our special report on Cabbage Patch Dolls. Do they resemble what mutant children will look like after a nuclear holocaust? And, are you posting pictures on Facebook for Throwback Thursday? Then you’re allowing the NSA to catalog photographs that were taken before Facebook existed. Don’t post another picture until you see our special report. Stay tuned to The History Channel. Your source for the real truth.
Track Name: Stupid Rap Battles 1
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Stupid Rap Battles!

In this corner, weighing in at seven pounds, six ounces, made of 100 percent cast iron, and seasoned to perfection, it's your grandmother's frying pan!

And in this corner, with a population of twenty million six hundred-thousand, an average annual rainfall of 59.2 inches, and an average summer temperature of 82 degrees, it's the state of Florida!

Begin!


Frying pan:
Hey Florida, where’d you learn to be a state, man?
Is Alabama giving lessons? ‘Cause that’s not a great plan
You’re nothing but a swamp that most people stomp past
I guess that’s what explains the constant swamp-ass
You screwed up the election back in Y2k
I mean, how long has this country been voting anyway?
And you still messed it up and never fessed up, besides
And you think I’ll trust my life to all those theme park rides?
Your weather is hot? Yeah, not so much
You have to wear an oven mitt ‘cause I’m too hot to touch
Did you really think that I would be impressed by your palms
I tell you though, I love to be caressed by your moms

Florida:
My weather is beautiful, my girls are hot
I got beaches and parks, your best friend is a pot
And you are not even in the same league as me
But I will sell you a timeshare eagerly
I got 1300 miles of a beautiful coast
You got a couple things you make that go good with toast
I would take you to Disney but I have to be candid
You’d be stranded in the park ‘cause you’re not even enchanted
Man, did you really think you’d have a chance
Against teacups and candles that can sing and dance?
Just go back on the shelf because you’ve met your match
I’ve survived hurricanes, oh you might get a scratch

Frying pan:
You’re gonna have to come up with something better pretty quick
Your insults just slide right off, I’m non-stick
And I get better with time, it’s called seasoning
But I know you’re not exactly good at reasoning
You’ve got twenty million people in the world’s lamest gang
Picture all these people living in America’s wang
I can’t deny, I am not understanding why
Because you only go to Florida when you plan to die
Do I even need to bring up Florida Man?
And alligators as pets is a horrible plan
Your state is as exciting as gutting a loft
Bugs Bunny had the right idea of cutting you off

Florida:
You burn things so easy you make lunch a disgrace
Man, come down to Cape Canaveral and I’ll launch you to space
It’s all state-of-the-art, staffed with the prime of the geeks
Your technology’s unchanged since the time of the Greeks
I think you’ve been sniffin’ that gas too long
Thought you would win this battle but alas you’re wrong
You’re a flat round metal that’s encased in grime
An inanimate object, don’t waste my time
There’s no chef here so tell me what your excuse is
Now I’ll just leave you to stew in your own juices
You just never seemed to make your case
So I’m out, leaving you with some egg on your face
Track Name: The Comedy-Music Life
Yeah! This is a story you won’t see on Cribs! Or Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous! Maybe Hoarders.

Big-time rapper, I’m a legend in the game
Like that guy from Mega-Man 2, what’s his name?
You know the one with the bubbles, ah whatever, I digress
I’m the best funny rapper ‘cause I’m better than the rest
Devo Spice is the name to remember
Not a Spice Girl, no I was never a member
With an old school flow I can bring the heat
That means I don’t mumble and I rap on the beat
For the nerds and the muggles, yo, I’m rockin’ a sound
Big fish in a puddle now I’m floppin’ around
Countin’ up my money, that’s when I realize
I got enough that I can supersize my fries

(chorus)
‘Cause I’m living that life
The comedy-music life
Yeah, I’m living that life
The comedy-music life

I’ve toured everywhere from the east to the west
And my guide on the Jungle Cruise Ride was the best
Do you know how I know my career’s gonna last?
I’m the number one artist on my uncle’s podcast
Comedy-rap is kind of a niche
So finding new fans is kind of a bitch
But I got fans all around the whole world, I maintain
That there’s two in California and at least one in Spain
I brought enough CDs for everyone at the show
To buy multiple copies, so come on, let’s go
And you know few artists can do this, so I’m proud
That I can name everybody in the crowd
[chorus]

Comedy clubs don’t want music and so
I go to music clubs to put on a comedy show
But they don’t want that so I try at conventions
But rappers in filk circles just raise tensions
But I won’t be stopped, no way I can lose
Now this YouTube video has over seventy views
I’m a legend in the comedy-rap world of the weird
Over-forty-from-New-Jersey-rappers-with-a-red-beard
On my throne I’m the king of everything all around
But when I get up and flush it doesn’t always go down
I hit the town in a car that I got such a great deal
Pimpin’ three-wheel motion ‘cause I’m missing a wheel
I can’t sit down because my wallet’s so fat
Got so many receipts crammed into that
Spending so much money day in and day out
That my credit cards are mostly maxed out
[chorus]

Clerk: Sir.... Sir!... SIR! Excuse me, sir!! That's nice and all, but if you don't tell me what you want to order I'll have to ask you to leave. You're holding up the drive-thru.
Devo: Oh, sorry. Yeah, um, let me have a number seven.
Clerk: What do you want to drink?
Devo: Diet Coke.
Clerk: OK, do you want to super-size that?
Devo: Hell yeah I wanna super size that! You know why?
Clerk: Oh no…
[chorus]
Track Name: It Was a Good Black Friday
Just wakin’ up in the morn of Black Friday
Got a feeling this is gonna be my day
No traffic on the ten, but then again
Nobody on the road at 2am
I got to Walmart, and then I went “whoa!”
Finally got a parking spot right there in the front row
Runnin’ through my list as I approach the store
Thinkin’ will I give, to the santa by the door
I got a plushie of a Porg and it’s so soft
I think I found a Switch, and check it out it’s half
Off, had to stop by the TVs
Wavin’ at the cameras so everybody sees me
And everything is so calm
I got a three-for-one offer on lemon-scented bath
Balm, called up the app for the shopping mall
And right there is ten percent off it all
Get me a new game and a futon
Last week shopped around and got a double coupon
Meetin’ shoppers on the way but it’s OK
I can’t believe today was a good day

Drove to the mall to tackle that craze
Didn’t even see no people takin’ surveys
‘Cause just yesterday they tried to sell me windows
Saw a display for Amazon Kindles
No stoppin’, didn’t even feel like
I was going to drop it as I finished up my shopping
Left the mall before dark and I didn’t
Have to look too far for where I parked my car
Load it in, load it in, load it in, loaded!
Rollin’ down the main avenue I see they’ve opened up
A brand new 7-11, another 7-11
And another, how the hell many do they think we need?
I picked up a Big Gulp
Saw a protester and didn’t have to get involved
Plus nobody I know got killed at the mall today
You could say it was a good day

Stopped at Sears on the way
Picked up a grill been trying to find since last May
It’s gigantic, I’m thinkin’
Can it maybe smoke every fish in the Atlantic?
While I was dreamin’ ‘bout those cravings
I pulled out my store card for even more savings
And these sales run deep, so deep
So deep iPhones are cheap
Weren’t no angry chants, and nobody
Got trampled by a mob of white women in yoga pants
Drove to the pad singin’ softly, took another
Sip of my coffee, got a free large Frosty
I was glad everything had worked out
Dropped my stuff off, and wasn’t burnt out
Today was like some kind of fine treat
Didn’t even see a granny slippin’ on the concrete
No stupid airplanes dragging any banners
Two-year-old kids had perfect manners
Even found a sale on Goodyear tires
Bought directly from their suppliers
I’ll admit this was really fun
Not even December and my shopping is nearly done
Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.
I gotta say it was a good day

Wait wait wait what the hell am I thinking? Hey you! Hand over those fidget spinners. I need them for my kids. In fact all the fidget stuff. Fidget spinners, fidget rollers, fidget clickers, fidget dildos, whatever. If it fidgets it’s mine. And you, hand over that “Peace on Earth” decoration or I will beat your skull in!
Track Name: Stupid Rap Battles 2
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Stupid Rap Battles! In this corner, weighing in at 4.5 ounces, 140 calories, and with a Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price of seventy-five cents, it's a bag of Cheetos that got stuck in the vending machine. And in this corner, weighing in at three and a half tons, first erected in 1923, and has graffiti cleaned off it annually, it's the second L in the Hollywood sign. Begin!

Devo:
Well well well it's a stupid letter L
I thought it was a broken hash tag, it's hard to tell
And you've been standing out there for how long on that hill?
Wow, I bet your life has just been a series of thrills
I am a delicious little treat for the clan
You are just a blight on the sight of the land
And what you might not understand though it's true of you
Is that you're not even special because there's two of you
So shallow you are nearly two-dimensional
I can't believe that your construction was intentional
And I should mention, I wonder if attention's what you want
Why you're standing there showing off a boring-ass font

Starf:
As I stand here all majestic thinking what's that sound
I'm being mocked by a thing that got stuck falling down?
I think you underestimate a bit my total worth
I overlook one of the most famous cities on earth
You ain't even worth what they paid for you
Like a hooker who refuses to get laid for you
You're a tease showing off with the glass in between
Like a peep show hosted in a vending machine
You had one job, that's to come down off the shelf
If I were you I'd try not to draw attention to myself
You're hanging out too much like a man in Speedos
Just sittin' there like 'Durr, I'm a bag of Cheetos'

Devo:
People grab a pack when they want something to munch
I'm a tasty little snack with a satisfying crunch
And I will sit here and wait until my time has come
And someone's gonna feel great when they get two for one
you are pursued by hundreds of folks each year
And you fill each one with false hopes of a career
They will cheer when they see you as their dreams you enable
But they'll still be looking to you when they bus their table
You fancy yourself as some kind of a shrine
But you're just a stupid line that's part of a stupid sign
You call people to you like you're playing Red Rover
I hope a gust of wind comes and blows you over

Starf:
I'm a historical landmark, if I get defaced
I'll be hastily repaired, you'll just get replaced
You're a symbol of sloth along with chips and beers
I've been a symbol of art for more than a hundred years
Tempting folks to try to knock you down is pretty lame
Like a prize in the world's worst carnival game
You ripped someone off and don't even seen to care
You're nothing but fake cheese and some processed air
The worst feeling in the world is when you just want a snack
And it doesn't come out, and don't get your money back
Someone paid seventy-five cents? well that's nifty
But they won't do it again 'cause you ain't worth a buck fifty

Announcer:
Who won?! Who cares?! Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp?!
Track Name: Stranger Things
(music starts, have natural break where you think the vocals would start, then don’t start them. Then another and have me start, only to be stopped by someone else.)

Luke: “No, wait. Hold up.”
Devo: “Oh, not yet?”
Luke: “No, we have to build the music some more.”
Devo: “Oh OK.”

(Then a third time)

Luke: “Hold on. Just a little more.”
Devo: “What, really? Ugh, give me that record.”
(spin it forward really fast to get to the next one. Then the lyrics will start.)

[verse 1]
Now let me tell you a story that’s kind of weird
About my best friend Will who disappeared
So just sit back now and you will see
Just how things went down back in ‘83
(break) ...uh huh huh

Well we were at my house playing D&D
It was Will, Lucas, Dustin, and me
The campaign I ran left ‘em shaken and scared
When out of nowhere a monster appeared
Who said “I’m sorry, Mike, all your friends have to leave”
Come on, Mom, just twenty minutes, please?
But no, she said we had to end the game
And that was the end of our great campaign
Everybody left all alone, if you’re stunned
It was 1983, that’s just how it was done
We’ve never had a problem before, it’s true
But on Will’s journey he rolled a two
He never made it home, though I should mention
He was at the right house, just the wrong dimension
Because a tall monster—I didn’t know we had those
Brought Will back to the Veil of Shadows

[chorus]
Will’s gone missing, that’s why I’m rappin’
A monster is loose, we need to trap him
I’m sure that stranger things have happened
But I don’t know when, I really don’t know when
(break)
Luke: Are you going to fast-forward through this part too?
Devo: No, this is where I catch my breath.
Luke: Ah.

[Verse 2]
We all went out to search for Will
Past the road by his house in the woods on the hill
One minute we’re kids playing with our toys
Now we’re solving mysteries like The Hardy Boys
What we found out there, you wouldn’t believe
While my sister was quote-unquote studying with Steve
We happened to chance upon a maiden faire
Her name was Eleven and she had no hair
She didn’t talk much but it’s no mystique
With a mouth full of Eggos it’s hard to speak
And I think that maybe with her special skill
She can help us find Will, or get us all killed
Meanwhile Will’s Mom Joyce is freaked
All she does is scream, howl, and shriek
I don’t mean to judge but I’m not the one
Who got an obscene phone call from her son
(static and breathing break)

She’s got a new phone and she got another call
And she’s got a new hole in her living room wall
And she’s got an ex-husband who wants to sue
And a crazy idea about what she should do
The roof! The roof!
The roof is on fire!
Look at that thing, it’s burning bright
Oh wait, never mind, it’s just Christmas lights
(chorus)

[Verse 3]
Our new friend Eleven, El for short
Is the one who opened the demon’s port
In a lab that doesn’t exist, no way
And totally isn’t run by the CIA
Her crazy Papa, Dr. Brenner
Kept her locked up in that research center
And trained her mind to act like a radio
I wonder if she can tune in Dr. Demento
We thought that El was a total fake
When they pulled Will’s body out of the lake
I fought with Lucas over what she did
But it turned out to be a fancy Cabbage Patch Kid
The HAM radio that our science teacher owned
Amplified her powers like a megaphone
And proved that Will really didn’t drown
And is trapped with a monster in the Upside Down
(scratch - “Inside out and upside down”)

The monster seems to be attracted to blood
And he comes around hoping he can grab some grub
If he sees you he’ll take you back to his place
Put the moves on you, and try to suck face
Nothing is effective at stopping this
So don’t let him give you a big sloppy kiss
If the lights start to flicker it’s not the wires
Better run or your face will end up on those fliers
(chorus)

(Break:)
Luke: “Eh, you know, I was thinking, Devo Spice isn’t really a good rap name for 1983.”
Devo: “It isn’t?”
Luke: “No, you need something more grandiose, like Grandmaster Flash, or The Treacherous Three, or The Furious Five.”
Devo: “Yeah, but there’s only one of me.”
Chris: “How about The Wonderful One?”
Devo: “I don’t think so.”
Luke: “No, you need something like Grandmaster Devo Dev and the… Spicy… … Enchiladas.”
Devo: “What? That doesn’t even make sense.”
Chris: “Grandmaster Devo Dev and the Spicy Chicken Wings?”
Devo: “No! No Grandmaster.”
Chris: “Thighmaster?”
Devo: “What’s a thighmaster?”
Chris: “Oh right, it’s 1983. That hasn’t come out yet.”
Luke: “What about beta? Was that still around in 83?”
Chris: “Yeah, I think so.”
Luke: “Oh! Remember The A-Team! That came out in 83! Man, that was so awesome!”
Chris: “Yeah, and Fraggle Rock. That started in 83.”
Devo: “Guys?”
Luke: “And Manimal! Remember Manimal?!”
Devo: “Guys!! … Manimal?! Seriously?! Manimal? Can we get back to the song please?”
Luke and Chris (softly): “Sorry.”

[verse 4]
On top of all this some kids at school
Often bully us and are mean and cruel
When they mocked will’s death I blew a fuse
And El made him wet his Underoos
It only got worse after that little tiff
They held Dustin with a knife and made me jump off a cliff
Thankfully El was pretty near, oh
Made me fly like The Greatest American Hero
While those mouthbreathers get me upset
The Hawkins Lab staff are a much bigger threat
Lucas warned us that they were coming for El
So we hopped on our bikes and pedaled like hell
They came at us from every direction
And cut us off at every intersection
There was no escape that I could see
If only someone could make us fly like E.T.
We met up with everybody back at the school
Where we built a think tank from an old kiddie pool
We were hoping that El could contact Will
Without blowing up our long distance bill
Hopper and Joyce did some lab confronting
My sister and Jonathan went monster hunting
That left me alone with El by my side
And Dustin alone with the pudding supply
We couldn’t rest long ‘cause all too soon
The school was attacked by Brenner and his goons
Things were nuts, it was really scary
But El was great, she went completely Carrie
We kind of won, but I lost my friend
And I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again
But I’m holding out hope that she’ll come back around
A new shipment of Eggos is coming to town
(chorus)

Devo: For Christmas that year I finally got an Atari. Just as the video game market was about to crash. Thanks Mom!
Track Name: Playin' Games
Ride down the block
Jump on a croc
Race as a Boo
Chomp on a dot
Birds in the lane
Sweatin’ from the strain
Tune in and watch
‘Cause I’m playin’ games

Camera on my face in the corner of the monitor
Welcome all my viewers with a catch phrase and moniker
Lighting and perfect make-up ‘cause of mad vanity
Kids see me on their little screens and learn profanity
I’m-a start playin’ a game then I’ll tell you what I’m doin’
Narrating the scene plus some little quips I threw in
Many people tell me that I need to get a life
At least I play the games, you just watch me, right?
Couple hours each day you stay undaunted
Watchin’ me play some game you wanted
No charity fundraiser or anything laudable
By the way this episode is brought to you by Audible
I might get a little arthritis in my hands
But I’m just actin’ like a jerk ‘cause I got to be
Being this obnoxious comes naturally
I’ll make millions every year because people keep watchin’ me

Ride down the block
Load up your glock
Dig in the ground
Tour in Iraq
Work on your aim
Then fire up the MAME
Tune in and watch
‘Cause I’m playin’ games

Jump on a block
Shoot at a flock
Sit down and race
Stand up and rock
Run through the flames
And back up your claims
Tune in and watch
‘Cause I’m playin’ games


Sega, Nintendo, or Sony?
Sega, Nintendo, or Sony?
Sega… hey, what about Microsoft?
Man, screw Microsoft! I’m still mad at them for buying Rare. I want more Banjo Kazooie!

I’m-a explain why you probably never seen me
I never filmed a suicide while in the forest streaming
It turns out YouTube audiences really aren’t forgiving
Please believe when you see me I’m just trying to make a living
I do dumb things all the time and I make it look so easy
But even I know there’s a limit to what we see
I think I need a break, my controller’s gettin’ greasy
And I’m wheezing, feelin’ queasy, while I’m in my basement freezing
I know that if I stick with it I’ll be a hit some day
‘Cause not just anyone can talk while they play
YouTubers are common but I know it’s meant to be
Hey look my view count just hit forty-three!

Line up a block
Pretend you’re a jock
Pull out a spine
Hob nob with Spock
Jump in the frame
Race with a train
Tune in and watch
‘Cause I’m playin’ games

Jump on a block
Open a lock
Crap in your pants
Fight with a rock
Enter your name
Or suffer through the pain
Tune in and watch
‘Cause I’m playing games

Sega, Nintendo, or Sony?
Hey, what about ColecoVision?
Sega, Nintendo, or Sony?
Or the Intellivision?
Sega, Nintendo, or Sony?
I think I have an OUYA around here somewhere...
Sega, Nintendo, or Sony?
Track Name: Spider Verses
[Peter Parker (Devo Spice)]:
Aw yeah, that's my jam, I mean literally my jam
Try and keep up because you gotta know who I am
Peter Parker, with Mary Jane beside her man
I am the one-and-only Spider-Man
I climb walls, shoot webs, great strength and agility
And with great power comes blah blah blah
My ability to cling to walls and then swing
Means I'm shootin' out webs like silly string
I got a theme song, t-shirt, cartoon, and toys
And a breakfast cereal that nobody enjoys
And a third nipple, at least according to my wiki
Don't mind fighting crime but my hands are always sticky
So Kingpin lost his whole family what a pity
But the thing he built could destroy the whole city
Hate to be a party pooper but we gotta stop the threat
Take this goober, and I'm dead

[Miles Morales (Creative Mind Frame (AKA 1-UP))]:
When I’m done you’ll wanna cop this... put em up
Miles morales here (heh) that’s what’s up
Young kid but a brainiac a maniac
For anything my uncle would do, but he’s a shady cat
And that’s another act back to my story line
I packed no punches and that’s being blunt kid
Itty bitty spider bite that’s what made it story time
That’s so nuts now I lack no function
You’re telling me that I’m a new Spider-Man
Gone from no skills to doing anything a fighter can
First the multiverse gets shattered... broken jars
Now a bunch a spideys slinging round... broken arms
Don’t doubt me cas I’m never giving up
Steph Curry on a dunk sometimes I'm trippin up
Steady on my grind enemies I’m rippin up,
No spoilers here so that’s enough

[Peter B. Parker (Insane Ian)]:
Hi I’m Pete, It’s sure nice to meet ya
I fight supervillains (when I’m not eating pizza)
I’m just like that last guy, tho my hair is much darker
My driver’s license says my name’s Peter B. Parker
Tho starker in contrast, we’re really quite alike
My guts a little larger but of the two, well, I’m alive
But if a girl gets kidnapped and she’s thrown inside a van
Well I’m another friendly neighborhood Spider-Man!
Thought I was alone (not just cause MJ left me)
Struggled through a portal (cause I might be kinda hefty)
Landed in this city, met this little kiddie
He was bitten by a spider like the one that went and bit me
Now I’m a mentor, teach this kid the ropes
On how to be a hero and to give people hope
Responsibility & Power, and before you have to ask
Always wash your suit and never sneeze inside the mask

[Gwen Stacy (Bonnie Gordon)]:
Hey guys, it's Gwen, and I have been
Living as the one and only Spider-Woman
Bit by a spider and I might've got here first
And I'm from another, another universe
I don't do friends, got two or three styles
And I'm not helping you through puberty, Miles
You were a big help and I'm glad you were there but
No, you don't get to like my haircut
I've been protecting my version of New York
Without ever expecting any help for the work
Now lots of spider people are infesting these nights
Of all of you I look best in these tights
But still, it's nice that support has appeared
'Cause this whole experience has been royally weird
But if I'm not mistaken, there's more for us to see
And do I smell bacon? [Spider-Ham (TV's Kyle)]: That would be me

[Spider-Ham (TV's Kyle)]:
You’re not hallucinatin’, Gwen, you know who I am!
I’m your friendly neighborhood Spider-Ham
Where’s Ducktor Doom? I’ll give him a tackle!
And then I’ll take a selfie for J. Jonah Jackal
Got a hospital and a horse got loose?
Call Peter Porker. I’ll Chuck Jones his caboose!
I’ll frolic and I’ll dance and I’ll do this with my pants
and I’ll whack him on the snoot! Man, he’ll never stand a chance
I got a big hammer and you know I’m gonna club ya
My Marvel Tails will make you go “What The?!”
Kingpin and Liv, man, who the heck is that?
Reminds me of KingPig and Dr Octopussycat
I’ve heard folks have been shipping me and Noir.
Just pray Mary Jane Waterbuffalo don’t know who you are
In Gwen’s subconscious, you could say that I steered her
Does that sound weird? It CAN get weirder

[Peni Parker (LEX the Lexicon Artist)]:
This is my spider, I'm Peni P, we are
A dynamic duo, call me SP//dr
I might be kawaii but that don’t mean that I’m weak
Because I pack a streak of genius in my teeny physique
See I pilot this machine with my psychic connection
We scale the highest ceilings like the guys in Inception
Protecting New York City from malevolent creatures
And we're messing with their systems like professional griefers
My father left to join the Black Parade
Now it’s up to me to carry on the masquerade
I have to say, my mech suit is better than Tony’s
It can send you to your death with twenty seven emojis, homie
So don’t be stunting cause I’m small and I’m cute
I crawl in the suit, all of a sudden I'm taller than you
That’s all that I do, a supercomputer not a shooter of webs
Here from the future to save you losers or you would be dead

[Spider-Man Noir (the great Luke Ski)]:
The wind follows me, it smells like rain.
SURPRIZE ATTACK! You mugs will feel my pain.
Uncle Benjamin was eaten by Vulture. So gory,
But it makes a good hard-core origin story.
I'm Spider-Noir, the color thing is new to me,
Unlike egg creams and moral ambiguity.
Wrong or right? I don't know what to say!
Am I black or white, or 50 shades of grey?
You wanna dance in a biscuit box session?
I'll crash you harder than the Great Depression!
I'm trying a fedora. Future fashion is wild,
But punching a Nazi is never out of style.
Just like 6 bullets in a snub .45,
We're Web Warriors, takin' nobody's jive.
Out of all of the fellas, I cause the most fright,
'Cuz I am the terror that THWIPS in the night!

[Spider-Ham (TV's Kyle)]:
Is he allowed to say that? Legally?
Track Name: Gravity Is Stupid
The only thing it does is make things fall down
And the only reason was that the earth is round
Well suppose I didn’t wanna go down, maybe I wanna
Go up, goodness knows that is gonna be tough
‘Cause now I gotta go to the complete other side
Of the planet, because it can’t fall up, can it?
I tried to understand it, it stinks all around
‘Cause all it wants to do is make things fall down
And it all falls at the same speed, that’s dumb
Thirty-two feet per second, where the heck is that from
Things with more mass should fall more fast
But no, gravity is just a pain in the ass

(chorus)
Ooh! Look at me! I’m gravity! I’m stupid
Ooh! Look at me! I’m gravity! I’m stupid

I’m resigned to my fate so I’ll state in plain words
If gravity’s so great, explain birds
It’s a force that tries to drag everything down
So why’s the moon keep going round and round?
The sky is falling! Sure enough, well it could be
And why ain’t that stuff on the shelf where it should be?
Right, ‘cause my cat is an asshole, of course
And he’s dazzled by gravity’s fanciful force
It goes on forever causing drag, that’s dumb
It’ll never stop until your boobs sag, that’s dumb
Even men, that’s dumb, so what I’ve done, here’s a clue, kid
Hack the Wikipedia page to say “STUPID!”

(chorus)
Track Name: Really Bad Things
[chorus 1]
Must be outta my head, must be outta my mind
But I really love that man of mine
so sweet, since we were first dating
The way that he smells is intoxicating
When he’s in the stall, it’s like his secret lair
He does some really really bad things in there
So bad, my eyes are dilated
What can I say? He’s constipated

[verse 1]
(ngh) I just sit here (ngh) and I push and strain
(ngh) And if I push too hard, I might pop my brain
Been a long while, and a mighty bout
And oh my God, smells so bad that I might pass out
Bend over at the waste now, stench dissolving the wall’s grout
Nails dig into my thighs, a marble-size piece falls out
And I’m muffling all my shouts, while my teeth all crack in my mouth
As the pain builds up in my gut, hope my colon doesn’t pop out

[pre-chorus]
And I said it’s quite the endeavor, feels like I’m in here forever
Stars in my vision as I clench my teeth together
I want you forever, we’ll asphyxiate together
Ours is much better than just whips and chains and leather

[chorus 2]
Must be outta my head, must be outta my mind
But I really love that man of mine
He’s so sweet, since we were first dating
The way that he smells is intoxicating
When he’s in the stall, it’s like his secret lair
He does some really really bad things in there
So bad, a task force was created
What can I say? He’s constipated

[verse 2]
(ngh) I just can’t take it (ngh) my face is flush
But at least I beat another level on Candy Crush
It feels like a cannon ball, comes out my ass
And when it passes, it rips me in half
Let me crack a window, try to air out my house
Last time I lit a match, singed off both eyebrows
Sorry that you had to listen, to all the noises that you heard
Like I’m trying to give birth to a twelve pound baby turd

[pre-chorus]
And I said it’s quite the endeavor, feels like I’m in here forever (how long have you been in there?)
Stars in my vision as I clench my teeth together
I want you forever, we’ll asphyxiate together
Ours is much better than just whips and chains and leather

[chorus 3]
Must be outta my head, must be outta my mind
But I really love that man of mine
He’s so sweet, since we were first dating
The way that he smells is intoxicating
When he’s in the stall, it’s like his secret lair
He does some really really bad things in there
So bad, the dog was sedated
What can I say? He’s constipated

[bridge]
The way we lo-o-ove, is so unique
And what he do-(cough)-oes, is just for me
And screw them if they judge us, ‘cause they don’t see
But baby hurry up, I have to pee

[pre-chorus]
And I said it’s quite the endeavor, feels like I’m in here forever
Stars in my vision as I clench my teeth together
I want you forever, we’ll asphyxiate together
Ours is much better than just whips and chains and leather

[chorus 4]
Must be outta my head, must be outta my mind
But I really love that man of mine
He’s so sweet, since we were first dating
The way that he smells is intoxicating
When he’s in the stall, it’s like his secret lair
He does some really really bad things in there
So bad, the birds all migrated
What can I say? (Jeez, baby) He’s constipated
Track Name: Stupid Rap Battles 3
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Stupid Rap Battles! In this corner, weighing in at 15 pounds, with a manufacturer's suggested retail price of $12.99, and an expiration date in the 22nd century, it's a club size container of mayonnaise!

And in this corner, a man with no discernible talent, no concept of social boundaries, who enjoys imitating a legendary comedian who weighs in at 175 pounds, it's a cheap Gilbert Gottfried impression.

Hey! I'm not cheap! I was paid handsomely for this! Look, I got a sticker and everything.

Ugh. Whatever. Begin!

Oh God, it's that voice again
Like the nails on the chalkboard noise again
But you know what really adds to my deep aggravation
You're not even real, just a cheap imitation
Why in God's name would you mimic Gottfried
Did you think that it would help your career? Godspeed
Look what it did for his, I mean not the best luck
'Cause gee wiz, he was fired from playing a duck
I'm a good buy, I can save you money
And I'm perfectly mixed, I'm not dry or runny
You'll be glad you came, take a stab and see
A sandwich ain't the same without a dab from me

Who the hell would want that much mayonnaise?
What, do you use it for snow on the holidays?
Are you planning to spackle your walls?
Or do you have a body hidden that you need to dissolve?
I'll admit one of my biggest fears
Is eating BLT sandwiches for 400 years
Who are you feeding, an entire chorus line?
Or does your wife have another secret family... or nine?
Or maybe just your Mom, she likes a topping
But now you need a trailer to go grocery shopping
If you fell off the shelf you'd win the fight with a K.O.
Nobody needs a whole barrel of mayo!

Yeah, and nobody needs another Gilbert impression
But you do it like it feeds some compulsive obsession
I feel like it's had ample time to work
You sound like that on purpose, and I'm the jerk?
It's grating and annoying and it raises blood pressure
Pounding on my ears like a male Fran Drescher
When I saw your face I could tell it would sting
It wouldn't be so bad but you yell everything
A thought comes around and you feel you should share it
Spare it, you sound like a drill sergeant's parrot
The noise needs to stop before you devalue housing
Your voice give me chills, like the HAL9000

I'm sorry, Devo, I'm afraid I can't do that
Screw that, people like me, I thought you knew that
Sure you may be cheaper by the pound at the mall
But they'd save more money if they didn't buy you at all
I don't like the taste, let alone the smell, man
You're not even a brand name, what the Hellman?
People really shop in the overkill section?
Haven't seen that much white stuff since I had that infection
I make people laugh in an unusual way
If I say your name backwards will you please go away?
Deerftog Treblig, Umm,... so...
Did you really think that would work? Eat me! NO!

Who won? Who cares? Who said anything about a horse?

YOU FOOL!!!
Track Name: Trick or Treatin'
As a kid Halloween was quite the big deal
What I did was eat candy each night as a meal
From a stash so big you’d think it fell off a truck
And I tell you I could swim in it like Scrooge McDuck
My costumes made Mrs. Rosenberg plotz
I don’t know what that means but she said it a lot
Each year we would take our game to the next level
And we’d make our way through town like the Tazmanian Devil
My friends would come visit my vast neighborhood
Then we’d finish up with theirs just as fast as we could
Then the plan was we’d all switch costumes and then
If we can go back out and do the whole thing again
Since I’m out of school ain’t no more trick or treatin’
Have to go the store, buy the candy that I’m eatin’
That’s lame, it isn’t the same as back then
If only I could go trick or treatin’ again
Trick or treatin’, y’all
Trick or treatin’, y’all

Just once, I wanna go and do it again
Get dressed up and go through the neighborhood with my friends
If I could man, I’d be taking my shot
I should, heh… well why not?
Maybe I could dress up like a ghost or a ghoul or
Something and they’ll think I’m a tall middle-schooler
Yeah, I’ll be covered from head to toe
Ain’t no way I’ll be discovered, how would they know?
Maybe I could walk on my knees to look short
Or talk with some kind of voice changer of sorts
And use more young-people slang when I speak
Do kids still say that things are “on fleek?”
I know it’s a plan that I should outgrow
But throw a sheet over my head and I’m good to go
Got the spreadsheet ready for the official tally
I just hope no one thinks I’m headin’ to a Klan rally
Trick or treatin’, y’all
I’m doing it, man!
Trick or treatin’, y’all
I’m actually doing it! I’m actually going out!

*ding dong*
Devo: "Trick or treat!"
Luke: "Oh, hey Devo. Taking the kids trick-or-treating, eh? Um... where are the kids?"
Devo: "No kids. Just me. Trick or treat."
*slam*
Devo: "Oh well."

*ding dong*
Devo in weird voice: "Trick or treat!"
Carrie: "Hey Devo. What's up?"
Devo in weird voice: "I'm not Devo. I'm Billy from... the... next town over."
*slam*
Devo: "Dammit."

*ding dong*
Devo with voice changer: "Trick or treat!"
Chris: "Hi Tom. Uh, where's the rest of your crew?"
Devo with voice changer: "*sigh* Just... trick or treat... just put some candy in the bag."
*slam*
Devo: "UGH!"

*ding ding ding ding ding ding ding* (Doorbell’s broken!)
Shoebox: "Devo, hi. Um, I thought the rally was moved to next Saturday."
Devo: "What? I… uh… Oh come on!"

OK fine, so that’s how it’s gonna be then
Guess I’ll be a kid again and get my sweet revenge
I can TP your house or throw eggs at your door
But wait, I’m an adult and this begs for more
I’ll get all your family info and then post on Reddit
Or get a loan in your name and there goes your credit
I said I hoped it wouldn’t have to come down to that
But all it would’ve cost you is a damn Kit Kat
But no, so I guess I’ll give the classics a try
I shop at Costco, you know how many eggs I can buy?
It’ll be weeks before it goes away
And I’m sure you’ll get a fine from the HOA
So remember next year when I come to your door
Make the candy appear or I’m funding a war
If not you’ll find out just how mean I can be
When it seems you didn’t get a Christmas card from me
Trick or treatin’, y’all
And I’ll do it too!
Trick or treatin’, y’all
I’m just that crazy!
Trick or treatin’, y’all
Track Name: Just for You
(v1)
There you are, I see you at the bar, lookin’ like
A movie star, I don’t know who you are, but I’m psyched
At the chance, to get to meet you, maybe go out
And dance, if only I could reach you I’d have a chance
At the answer I’m hopin’ we can reach tonight
Like an infected toenail I’m-a treat you right
But how do I prove that I’m a stud, not a dud?
In my grade school days I would just push you in the mud
It’s not my style to just invite you to my loft
When you look at me and smile I just turn my head and cough
Hmm, I know, I’ll just bump you from behind
Like it was an accident, then you’ll be as good as mine
And it worked, I feel like a jerk, but your number’s
In my cell, and it seems to me that the only
Way to tell you exactly what you mean to me
Is to show you

(ch 1)
So here’s a picture of my dick, for you
Here’s a picture of my dick, for you
It’s a mighty fine one and if you’re inclined
Then it’ll make your dreams come true
It’s a picture of my dick, for you
Here’s a picture of my dick, for you
It’s a way to mention all my good intentions
And I shared it just for you
It’s a picture of my dick
It’s a picture of my dick

(v2)
So there it is, the thing that I use to take a whiz
Thought it really isn’t huge I’ll bet it’s bigger than his
So tell me what’s left to choose, let’s just get down to biz
There’s no way that you can lose ’cause I’m the best that there is
All the pink and purple hues that are juxtaposed against
The faded blue tattoos make the contrast intense
The dynamic composition complements my styled hair
But hmm, I don’t remember that mole being there
Oh never mind, the story it tells is full of win
Marvel at it’s glory! Take it all in!
And come with me, for this is the part you’ll be enjoying
You can see that I’ve mastered the art of the boing
At attention like a guard, standing proud
And tall like a mushroom in the yard, it’s exquisite
But is it overdone? I’m not sure, to be safe
Here’s another one.

(ch 2)
Another picture of my dick, for you
Another picture of my dick, for you
It’s a different angle and my balls are spangled
And I dyed my hair light blue
It’s a picture of my dick, for you
Another picture of my dick, for you
I got a whole collection from my last erection
And I chose one just for you
It’s a picture of my dick
It’s a picture of my dick

(v 3)
Several hours go by and I get no reply
And now I’m wondering why
Is she out with some friends, or home sick with the bends
Or did the picture not send?
This is taking forever, we’d be perfect together!
Or you know like whatever
Then my phone finally beeps, at her answer I peep
“Stay away from me, creep!”

Hah, yeah, I should’ve known.

(v4)
So what’s the deal? I thought we’d go out and grab a meal
Did you not get the picture? Don’t you see the appeal?
Was it not everything that you would want it to be?
Is it ‘cause I only have two balls and not three?
I don’t understand. You’re a woman. I’m a man.
We’ve got interlocking parts and they go hand-in-hand
Well, penis-in-vagina, if you want to be specific
So I thought I’d try yours, figured it would be terrific
Then again, maybe not, I can do the math
I’m a ten, you’re a good solid six and a half
And if you’re not into what I put on display
Then I’m out, ‘cause you’re probably a whore anyway
I sent you a selfie taken by my little friend
It’s a beauty, and I even let him push send
And you just shot him down, oh wait, then again
There’s a message coming in…

(ch 3)
It’s a picture of a dick, for me
Here’s a picture of a dick, for me
It’s all fat and hairy and the balls are scary
And it’s pointed right at me
It’s a picture of a dick, for me
Here’s a picture of a dick, for me
It’s the last contender from what guys have sent her
And she chose it just for me
It’s a picture of a dick. I did not want this.
It’s a picture of a dick. Why would she think I’d want a picture of some dude’s junk?

Man, I do not understand women.

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