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Stupid Rap Battles 1

from The Anarchist's Jokebook by Devo Spice

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about

It's a rap battle. It's stupid. It's your grandmother's frying pan versus the state of Florida.

lyrics

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Stupid Rap Battles!

In this corner, weighing in at seven pounds, six ounces, made of 100 percent cast iron, and seasoned to perfection, it's your grandmother's frying pan!

And in this corner, with a population of twenty million six hundred-thousand, an average annual rainfall of 59.2 inches, and an average summer temperature of 82 degrees, it's the state of Florida!

Begin!


Frying pan:
Hey Florida, where’d you learn to be a state, man?
Is Alabama giving lessons? ‘Cause that’s not a great plan
You’re nothing but a swamp that most people stomp past
I guess that’s what explains the constant swamp-ass
You screwed up the election back in Y2k
I mean, how long has this country been voting anyway?
And you still messed it up and never fessed up, besides
And you think I’ll trust my life to all those theme park rides?
Your weather is hot? Yeah, not so much
You have to wear an oven mitt ‘cause I’m too hot to touch
Did you really think that I would be impressed by your palms
I tell you though, I love to be caressed by your moms

Florida:
My weather is beautiful, my girls are hot
I got beaches and parks, your best friend is a pot
And you are not even in the same league as me
But I will sell you a timeshare eagerly
I got 1300 miles of a beautiful coast
You got a couple things you make that go good with toast
I would take you to Disney but I have to be candid
You’d be stranded in the park ‘cause you’re not even enchanted
Man, did you really think you’d have a chance
Against teacups and candles that can sing and dance?
Just go back on the shelf because you’ve met your match
I’ve survived hurricanes, oh you might get a scratch

Frying pan:
You’re gonna have to come up with something better pretty quick
Your insults just slide right off, I’m non-stick
And I get better with time, it’s called seasoning
But I know you’re not exactly good at reasoning
You’ve got twenty million people in the world’s lamest gang
Picture all these people living in America’s wang
I can’t deny, I am not understanding why
Because you only go to Florida when you plan to die
Do I even need to bring up Florida Man?
And alligators as pets is a horrible plan
Your state is as exciting as gutting a loft
Bugs Bunny had the right idea of cutting you off

Florida:
You burn things so easy you make lunch a disgrace
Man, come down to Cape Canaveral and I’ll launch you to space
It’s all state-of-the-art, staffed with the prime of the geeks
Your technology’s unchanged since the time of the Greeks
I think you’ve been sniffin’ that gas too long
Thought you would win this battle but alas you’re wrong
You’re a flat round metal that’s encased in grime
An inanimate object, don’t waste my time
There’s no chef here so tell me what your excuse is
Now I’ll just leave you to stew in your own juices
You just never seemed to make your case
So I’m out, leaving you with some egg on your face

credits

from The Anarchist's Jokebook, released March 1, 2019
Lyrics, music: Devo Spice
Vocals: Devo Spice and Insane Ian
Announcer: Chris Mezzolesta

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Devo Spice Hardyston, New Jersey

Devo Spice is a nerdcore and comedy rapper from New Jersey who has been called "the red-headed stepson of Weird Al Yankovic and Eminem." His demented brand of hip hop made him one of the most popular artists on the nationally syndicated Dr. Demento Show. In 2011 Devo Spice released the album "Gnome Sane?" and it went to number #28 on the Hip Hop charts on iTunes. ... more

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